


torn, adj.

by lucylikestowrite



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: F/F, Light Angst, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Episode: s04e11 If-Then-Else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-03-02
Packaged: 2018-05-24 04:13:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6141124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucylikestowrite/pseuds/lucylikestowrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pulled apart; jagged edges; neither one of us whole. Is that how you feel?</p>
            </blockquote>





	torn, adj.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Dictionary of Us](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4064083) by [niuniujiaojiao](https://archiveofourown.org/users/niuniujiaojiao/pseuds/niuniujiaojiao). 



Root,

 

They've left me in here with a bible and a dictionary. I don't feel much like reading the good book right now, so I'm reading the fucking dictionary, and writing you this.

 

almost, adj.

We almost made it. We almost made it out of the stock exchange. We almost made it to somewhere that would work. Almost sucks.

 

apology, n.

I'm sorry for leaving. I know you’ve lost so much already.

 

angel, n.

You are the messenger of God.

 

angry, adj.

I had to stop being angry a long time ago, at least on the outside. Screaming has no effect.

 

asymptote, n.

I’m not much of a mathematician, but I did geometry. Asymptotes get closer and closer but never quite touch. At least we beat that.

 

beautiful, adj.

You are beautiful, but you are so much more than that.

 

betray, v.

I think they want to put something in my head. Maybe they already have. I'm scared of what I could do with them controlling me.

 

blank, adj.

Sometimes I want to just start over. A blank slate. The idea has always appealed to me. Maybe I should say start over again. I've had so many fresh starts, I can't really count them any more. But for a new start I need freedom, and god knows I don't have that at the moment.

 

blood, n.

You are in my blood now. You are pumping through my veins, whether I like it or not; when I bleed, it is you that pours out. Your voice rings in my ears, every word you ever said to me echoing through my mind.

 

blackout, n.

I cycled across the state in a blackout just to back you up. I don't think I knew even then why I did it, but taking down that guy who was about to get you - I don't think my heart has ever beaten faster.

 

bullet, n.

I've been shot a lot. Too much, probably. I've been shot so much I almost don't feel them any more. Except those bullets - I felt those. I don't know why. Maybe they hurt because I could still feel the taste of your lips on mine and I knew what I was leaving behind. Maybe I knew I was going to die.

 

broken, adj.

I am broken. I hope you are not.

 

collide, n.

My bullet with your shoulder. My fist with your face. The knife in my hand up against your neck.

 

colour, n.

The elevator was so blue, Root. It was so blue, and you were so close, and I hate myself for not seeing your colours earlier. Even though I'm still not sure what to do with them.

 

chaotic, adj.

We are dissonant. We don’t make sense, but we do. We shouldn’t have happened, but we did.

 

cry, v.

I don't cry, but you do, you who feels everything so keenly. I try not to think about you crying over me.

 

death, n.

Until the elevator, I'd never put myself in a situation where death was almost a certainty. Of course, when I'm ready for it, it doesn't come.

 

decipher, v.

You are an open book, but I can’t read you.

 

dream, n.

Dreams simultaneously rip me apart and keep me going. When I dream, I'm not in here any more. I am with you, I am with Finch and Reese and the dog. We are happy. Sometimes you kiss me, sometimes you don't. But I'm always happy.

 

echo, n.

What will I leave behind?

 

eclipse, n.

When the moon blocks out the sun. When this tiny piece of rock stands up to this giant ball of gas and blocks it out. I like that.

 

Eden, n.

In my paradise, it is as quiet or as loud as I want to be. If I want to talk to people, they are there, but most of the time I don’t, and it’s just me and the dog. I’m not sure yet whether you are there. I think maybe on my good days, you are.

 

ethereal, adj.

When the light catches you, and you have a gun in your hand, and you grit your mouth, hard lines and soft lines working together, it's breathtaking.

 

epiphany, n.

There wasn't just one. There were lots of small ones. But I guess looking at your face in that elevator made me realise more than any of the other epiphanies put together.

 

explosion, n.  

I like explosions. They're loud and pretty and destructive and imperfect. They're a blaze of fire, red and yellow and orange and white.

 

family, n.

You are my family now.  You and Reese and Finch and Bear and even Fusco. You are my family.

 

farewell, n.

When Samaritan goes online, it feels a little bit like the apocalypse, except no-one else knows. I have my cover identity. I am Sameen Gray, and when we part, when you look at me like that, like your world really is ending, I don’t know what to do. I turn away and I know you’re still watching, and I don’t know when I’m going to see you again, and it’s suddenly all too real.

 

feelings, n.

I have them. They're just… different.

 

fire, n.

Love is a lot like fire, I think. If you're careful, it sustains you. If you're not, it eats you from the inside, the second you take your eye off of it.

 

flirt, v.

I pretended to hate your flirting - your innuendoes and your glances and touches - but I didn't.

 

food, n.

I miss food that doesn't all taste the same. When I get out of here, you're gonna take me somewhere real nice.

 

forgive, v.

I forgave you for everything so long ago. I can only hope you've forgiven me.

 

future, n.

I don't know if I have one, inside of here or outside. But I think if I do, I'd like to spend it with you.

 

God, n.

She's your god. I just about get that now. You needed something to believe in, and She was there. I never thought that I needed that. Turns out I did - but I needed a person I could see.

 

hate, v.

I used to hate you so much. Maybe I still do. Maybe I still hate you for ending me up here. It's not your fault, really, but maybe I still hate you for what they're doing to me. (I don't. I don't hate you. I never could.)

 

heart, n.

Just tear it out; I don't need it in here.

 

hope, n.

Somehow I still have it. Somehow, in this box, I still have hope that I will live to see myself out of here. I have hope that you are out there, alive. I have hope that you are not yet beaten. I have hope that even if I don’t make it, you will.

 

hurricane, n.

In the eye of the hurricane, everything is fine. Sure, the world is collapsing around you, but in that bubble, you’re fine. I think that elevator was the eye. For just a second, just a second, I forgot everything.

 

illicit, adj.

We probably shouldn't be allowed.

 

implant, n.

What is it like having a direct line to God in your ear. Doesn’t it drive you crazy?

 

iron, n.

You kidnapped me and tied me up and held an iron to my throat and it’s fucked up but I enjoyed it a little too much. You smiled like you enjoyed it too, and that’s not surprising, because you’re just about as fucked up as I am. And then you left and after that I made myself feel angry, but the truth is, I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry because Michael was dead and I needed you to kickstart some feeling into me.

 

kiss, v.

I'd be lying if I said I don't think about it more than I should. Sometimes it keeps me awake, thinking about the way you felt against me. Sometimes it scares me how much I need it to happen again.

 

lie, v.

I've lied to you so many times and I'm sorry.

 

lips, n.

I can't decide if it was a bad idea, kissing you. But underneath my hands, my lips, finally speechless, you felt so good. Your breath in my mouth, just for a second. If it was a bad idea, it was a bad idea that felt ridiculously right.

 

love, v.

I don't know, Root, I don't know. I don't know if I-

 

lucid, adj.

In moments of clarity, the hopelessness of my situation hits me. I prefer it when the haze of sleeplessness or pain or drugs clouds my judgement.

 

make-up, n.

I can actually do it, and you know that. I know you wouldn’t have let me anywhere near your face otherwise. But when I’m putting that lipstick on your mouth, all I want to do is kiss it off you. And then maybe punch you. Or punch someone.

 

martyr, n.

That was supposed to me. Go out in a blaze of fire. Kiss the girl and die. A martyr for the cause. You would cry and hold my name above your head and then you would _win_. That was the point of all this. But I'm not dead. I'm here and it sucks.

 

me, pron.

I am Sameen Shaw and they will not break me.

 

message, n.

You wanted Finch to give me a message if anything happened. He didn't tell me. I had a bug in the subway. He was right. I did know.

 

miss, v.

I never knew you could miss someone so much it hurts. But it does.

 

morning, n.

What do you look like the morning after? Are you a cliché, eyes tired, and wrapped in the sheets, or do you wake up before me?

 

mourn, v.

If accepting that I’m gone makes it better, I don’t blame you.

 

music, n.

I like it loud.

 

name, n.

I am Sameen Shaw, but not really. You are Samantha Groves, but not really.

 

need, v.

I've never needed a lot of things in life, but I think I need you now.

 

oil, n.

That’s us, remember. A four alarm fire. I meant what I said. We'd be a disaster, but maybe a beautiful one.

 

pain, n.

I thought I knew what pain was. I _did_ know what pain was, for fuck’s sake. This is something worse. Whatever they're doing to me is something worse, Root, and I don't even know if it's all in my head or not.

 

photograph, n.

I couldn't forget what you look like, not in a million years, but what if they keep me in there that long?

 

poisonous, adj.

Martine’s voice is venom in my ear. I can’t stand it.

 

promise, n.

I make a thousand promises a day. I don't usually tell anyone them, though. Every day in here I promise myself I will get through it.

When I wasn't in here, it was so much more. Sure, I'd promise myself I'd get through the day, but I also promised myself I would save the number, pet the dog, smile at someone, clean my gun… I'd promise myself that I wouldn't let myself think about you, where you were or what you were doing, or how I felt, because it burnt me up inside.

 

real, adj.

I don't really know what is real and what is not any more. I'm almost certain that I am, but with the amount of drugs they've pumped into me at one point or another, I can't be entirely sure. I really hope you're real, Root, somewhere out there. Wherever out there is. You're too much of my mind not to be.

 

red, adj.

The button was red, and my blood is red. Sometimes Martine wears red. Did you ever wear red? I can't remember any more.

 

rescue, v.

Do you even know that I'm still alive, Root? Are you looking for me?

 

ride, v.

You have that stupid motorcycle and I hate it. I hate that you look hot on it and I hate that you always just appear out of nowhere, and I never have any time to prepare myself for clinging onto your waist for half an hour.

 

root, n.

“The basic cause, source, or origin of something.” You are the cause of everything, suddenly, but you're so much more than that. How are you everything, Root?

 

sacrifice, n.

You save us all from Control in a hail of bullets, and then you make us leave, and come back half deaf and half dead.

 

swallow, n.

They migrate south for the winter, escaping everything. They fly and fly and fly - and then somehow, at the end of it all, they know where to go when they come back.

 

scared, adj.

I don’t get scared, really, at all. Except now I do. For you, mostly. But sometimes for me, and I don’t like it.

 

selfish, adj.

I'll admit it. Sometimes, just sometimes, on my worst days, I wish it hadn't been me. Not you. Never you. But Reese or Finch or Fusco.

 

serendipity, n.

Our meeting wasn't chance, really. It was meticulously planned by you. But for me, it was chance. And fuck, somehow you ended up being a good thing in my life.

 

shoulder, n.

I shot you in the shoulder, and I haven’t seen you look that broken since then. Except maybe when I closed the grate on the elevator. Oh god you looked so broken, I’m so sorry.

 

simple, adj.

I don’t even need a dictionary for this words. We are less complicated than I thought.

 

silence, n.

It's so quiet in here. Maybe that's what will get me.

 

slowly, adv.

This was us, I suppose. Slowly getting somewhere until somewhere was her and now somewhere is gone, and I'm just here, and I'm not getting anywhere, even slowly.

 

sunrise, n.

I miss the colours.

 

tangible, adj.

I think about what I will do if I can touch you again. I think about how your skin will feel when I can I touch it without leather in the way. I think about how your hair will feel between my fingers.

 

taser, v.

You tasered me in the middle of the night, and when I woke up, you had that same smile on your face as the first time we met. You cut me free and it was stupid, but even then I couldn’t hurt you again.

And then we spent the night in that safehouse, and god, I could have jumped you so many times, but I didn’t, because I was supposed to hate you, I was supposed to want to see you burn. And you just sat, quiet, not even looking at me, most of the time.

And, god, you were so infuriatingly cryptic, and then you’re about to get your ass kicked and you smile at me, and something churns in my stomach and all I can do is punch you, because, fuck, you’re messing me up so much already.

 

together, adj.

We were a good team, weren't we? You and me. Us. We worked well together. I should've seen that earlier.

 

torn, adj.

Pulled apart; jagged edges; neither one of us whole. Is that how you feel, too?

 

trust, v.

You could’ve saved Carter. I know you could’ve. So after that, I trust you. Not because I want to, at first, but because I have to. I have to trust that you want what’s best for us, because if you don’t want what’s best for us, then it’s because She doesn’t, and if She doesn’t, then we’re fucked.  
Eventually, though, I just trust you.

 

torture, v.

When Martine really wants to get under my skin, she talks about you. Most of the time she talks about how she's going to kill you, in exquisite detail, but on the worst days, on the worst days, she talks about how _I'm_ going to kill you. The thing is, it’s not her that’s what makes those days the worst. It’s that I know how I would do it. I know your weaknesses and I know your strengths and if I wanted you dead, I could kill you. I hate that.

 

ultimatum, n.

Martine gives me the option, sometimes - information or I die. So far she’s been bluffing.

 

veneer, n.

I’m very good at not showing what I’m feeling. You are less good. You broadcast your feelings so widely it would take a blind woman not to see them. Maybe I should get my eyes checked out.

 

wall, n.

Root, these walls are killing me. There's four of them - six if you count the floor and the ceiling - and they're all grey. They're grey and if I try to scribble on them, I wake up the next day and they're clean again. I have no way of knowing if they clean them or if I'm in a different room. I don't know why they're letting me write all of this to you. Maybe they think I’ll tell them something. I won't tell them anything.

 

war, n.

If this is war then I will just be one casualty. If this is war, then we are a poor excuse for an army. Sure, we’ve got a god behind us, but so do they, and theirs isn’t hiding. If this is war, then I am a prisoner of it, bruised and battered, but god damnit, I’m gonna make it back to base. If this is war, then the bloodshed means something. Or maybe it means less. Maybe the red that pours out of veins means less when you’re just part of a machine.

 

you, pron.

Somehow you are the only thing keeping me alive and I don't know how I feel about that. It's not even the thought of you rescuing me (although I'll admit that I think about that a lot), it's just you. It's fucking ridiculous, but if I tell myself that you're alive out there, fucking shit up, it's just about worth hanging on.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Merely a poor imitation of the wonderful work it was inspired by. I hope this wasn't too messy - I didn't write it linearly at all - I just added in words when I thought of them.


End file.
